Non-Caloric Solutions to a Bad Day

I got stood up today so I bought a flat screen TV.
This in lieu of ice cream during a strict diet that I am actually sticking to. 


Ice cream is cheaper than a flat screen but the purpose is the same. Make me feel better when someone else makes me feel like crap. 


Please no comments that I shouldn't let someone else make me feel bad about myself. Let's maintain some proportion. It's not an overall self esteem issue. Just a short lived self pitying wallowing. The ice cream effects my hips and the TV my wallet, but I can provide a dozen proofs that I deserve them both. 


I look in the mirror and I say, "who is this stunning lady and why does she get stood up?" Again, a dozen reasons why I don't mind being free and independent but when push comes to shove, I'd rather not be alone. 


I wish I could say that I am going home now with Ben and Jerry to watch my flat screen TV, but I am going to buy lettuce. I have also been ordered to stock the mess hall with enough snacks for 12 teenagers who are marching into  my  living room to rendezvous with that 15 year old girl/woman/hormonal terror with braces that lurks in my house because I'm her mother.  


Why do i feel like I'm losing a war of attrition on all fronts? It's OK. For now I'll wallow. After the weekend, the generals in my head and heart will regroup and set out with new marching orders.


Hope I don't come back with a purple heart. 

Supersize Me

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Lots of adventures in the last month. 


"Adventures" might be overstating it, lets settle on challenges:


Challenges to keep my wits.
Challenges to keep my dignity.
Challenges to hold my tongue.
Challenges to not beat someone about the head and thorax mercilessly. 
Challenges to not bake and eat cheese cake.


Successes: I didn't beat anyone about the head and thorax mercilessly. 


I had a few dates. I paid. And when I didn't pay we had a lovely walk on the beach. 
Spare me. 
I want someone to wine and dine me. Not whine and supersize me. 
So not generous of me. So 1950's of me. Lots of things to do that don't cost money. But, crap. I do them all myself already.


I am trying hard not discount someone because I don't like the cuff on their jeans. But  6 inches? Really?


Is it so out of the question to want someone that makes my heart skip a beat, at least at the beginning? Someone who takes my breath away, even if just for a second? Someone who pays on the first date, even if it is old fashoned? 


I could be in a long phase, and eventually I'll get over it and settle for the next best thing.


Until then, I'll keep dreaming. 

Sounds of Silence

..................................
I think I'll get some cats. 


I don't need a port for a ship to come in.


I don't need a stable for a white horse.


I'll get cats. Multiple cats. Inbreeding cats. Cats who will lay claim to the sofa and the laundry baskets.


They will all have names that begin with Mr. and each one will remind me of a Mr. that got away. 


The cats will welcome me when I come home. They will circle my legs and purr. They will vie for my lap.


They will silently remind me of the other sounds of silence in my life:

• The silence of grown up children leading their own lives.
• The silence a teenage daughter suffering a monstrous mother.
• The silence of routine.
• The silence of my phone.
• The silence of my inbox. 

Ahhh. The deafening silence of my inbox. 

No white smoke yet on which feels worse: no mail in my inbox in the myriad dating sites, or myriad irrelevant mails.


I hear a voice in my head (probably my mother's): "Lower your standards! you never know!"

• I have already lowered my "looks" requirement from Ben Afflek to Woody Allen. 
• I have already lowered my "education" requirements from University to No Spelling Errors.
• I have already lowered my "conversationalist" expectations from Pithy Quips to Not Monosyllabic.
• I have already lowered my "age range" expectations from Born after Woodstock to Born After Hiroshima. 
• I have already lowered my "physical activity" expectations from Athlete to Ambulatory.

If there is any advantage to being divorced, it is the opportunity for a Do-Over. 


Is there anything wrong with wanting this Do-Over to be with someone who takes my breath away?


In the meantime, "I turn my collar to the cold and damp" and I wait it out. 
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