Lately I am deep in contemplation about myself and less about others. (That's a good thing, right?)
The trigger for this blog made a cameo appearance recently; the one who wanted to take things so slow that he disappeared. The same one that would take from me every bit of strength to just not think about. The one that had my stomach in knots and my heart on my sleeve for ages.
But today my thoughts are about me, not him, about how I interpret the gaps in my life.
This was not the first time post divorce that I fell in love and been left at midnight with nothing more than a pumpkin and some field mice. And it wasn't necessarily about unrequited love, but star crossed love. For as much as did work, there were too many forces, cosmic or otherwise, that didn't work.
Of the loves that didn't pan out, I divide them into two types. The ones that could have loved back but just didn't want a relationship (thanks to all the ex wife bitches that spoiled it for the rest of us) and (drum roll please) the ones that were not worthy of my love.
Yikes... The ones that were not worthy of my love.... I struggled with that one for a long time! And I finally recognized what was happening when I read the following passage. I mentioned it earlier but I think it is worth mentioning again.
From Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: "I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love... with the highest potential of a man... and then I have hung on to the relationship... waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness."
Understanding that this was me, that this was MY LIFE, was enough to cure me of heart ache past and prevent future fiascoes.
So I am left time and time again only with the truly ridiculous situation of wanting a relationship with a man that is simply not interested in having a relationship with anyone. (Please let's not go down that road of maybe it was just me he wasn't interested in... Let's just assume I'm right on this one...).
I have many men in my life that have taken their place via different experiences. The details don't matter. But one thing is for sure. I am outgrowing the willingness to have someone in my life that offers less than I want from him.
I am spending a great deal of time cleaning my space of the proverbial cobwebs, and not least of all, not letting in new creepy crawlers.
Yet, now, here is this person who has returned to my life... albeit under a different status than he left it. Since his exit, or because of it, I have gained strength,and he is demoted to status of another man that I will like meeting from time to time over a drink or fattening food, and whatever will be will be. (In all fairness, if he wanted me in a relationship, I'd be there in a heart beat).
On the one hand, I could say that it does make me a teeny bit sad that I have stopped needing his attention as much. Or, I could say thank you to him for vacating one more space in this vessel that is me, this vessel which deserves to be filled up with the goodness that the cosmos has to offer.